Exhaling at Home (Opus Gloriae)

FOCA

I used to write more...

...I know. And the fact that I am not writing as much now has people wondering whether all is well here.

Yes, all is well. Better than I deserve. So well, that I am too busy DOING to WRITE about it. But others are writing enough and saying all I might say better than I could say it. So I need not. (This implies that if there were a need, I would try to fill it; but in all honesty, I would probably be too exhausted to formulate a clear enough thought to wrap it in words anyway.)

I said some time ago that I was formulating something that may be worth sharing. But as is true of all the most essential things, the things so essential we cannot BE without them, trying to capture them for others is like swatting at those tiny fruitflies that like to hover in front of your nose around this time of year. They are THERE, we can SEE them, they are so PHYSICALLY present, but our flailing arms manage to miss them every time.

And words show how coarse and inadequate they are when we try to grasp the most delicate truths with them; those truths just seem crushed and obscured by our attempts to express them.

But, we try. And if we are writers at the core of our being, we keep trying even when every other attempt has fallen flat and left us despondent.

The truth that is forming my interior life right now is simply stated:

Only faith, hope, and love allow us to live in contact with the Heart of God.

Simple. True.

But living this truth is different. Living the truth that these three baptismal gifts, poured into our souls like water, are the way in which You allow us into God's very Life, is not so simple.

Because we need to make some distinctions. We need to figure out a way to exercise these virtues in each moment, to be in contact with God.

These three theological virtues are not "tools" that we use to climb an inaccessible mountain to God, or "coping mechanisms" we use to face the infinite gap between here and Him. They ARE our participation in God, the way we open ourselves to His "ever-coming," His loving inflow into our souls, the way we RECEIVE all He longs to pour into us, our very one-ing.

When we believe, we know Him; when we hope, we are open to Him fully in THIS moment; when we love, we are already filled by the Spirit of love. When we believe, hope, and love, we are already receiving God; or better, we are opening ourselves fully to His presence already within us. This union must deepen, but it is already ours in the theological virtues which come from the Spirit dwelling in us - the virtues that come from Him, lead to Him, and that are ourse at baptism. "Baptismal grace." Those words fill me with deep gratitude and awe.

So by faith we accept and "know" Truth, though it must remain somewhat obscured because it is too big for us to hold in our human heads - if we want evidence and tangible proof, we will ever be frustrated; but if we want Truth as It is, faith is that lightsome encounter. Faith is not the way we deal with a distand and unknowable God - Faith IS the way we receive Him, though His light is too bright for our untempered eyes. Our believing IS our encounter with Truth.

Hope frees us from our own thinking and anxieties, freeing us to remain ever-open to grace in the present mment. It allows us to walk with the Holy Spirit in each moment, confident that Providence will indeed provide. Hope is not a wistful forward glance to a better eternity - hope IS the way we walk with God, aligned with His will, alive with His life, in each moment of NOW. It does not reach to the past to prop us up ("Remember when I was better than I am?") or to the future to prod us on ("Just wait; I'll be the best ever some day!"); it recognized our utter poverty and is content to remain open to the grace of the moment. Hope/trust IS our breathing and acting with and in God.

Love is the gift by which we are freed of ourselves and are able to choose God, and want what He wants. This is wholly a gift from Him - Love prepares us to receive Love and allows us to love in return. Love IS union. Love is not what we do for our own good or the way we respond to the good thoughts we have about God - Love IS our union with God, our deep YES to His presence at our very center and everywhere. Love IS our one-ing; our constant gazing at God and His tansforming, purifying, creative gaze at us are the reason for our existence. We are made for love.

And we dwell in love when we live with faith, hope, and love.

I'd like to find time to talk more about that "gaze...."

My favorite coffee-roasting Carmelite monks were on EWTN last night with Fr Mitch Pacwa, discussing their unique foundation in Wyoming. Most Carmelite men are "friars", who live in community but lead very active lives. This group of men is seeking a more "cloistered" life of solitude and prayer, though this is a period of transition for them. So they get to be on TV.

And if you've been to the Mystic Monk site and ordered their coffee before, you'll be happy to know that the two-handled mug is back! It is not the original mug with the logo, but I've ordered one for myself. A regular coffee cup allows me to multitask, run with coffee in my hand, drink distractedly; two handles encourages me to hold still, enjoy the brew, and give thanks. Such a simple gesture can convey so much.

Click the link in the right sidebar to start shopping. If you love good coffee, you'll appreciate what these Carmelites have done to the bean. If mothers can put "love" into their cooking, I would insist that the monks have put a little heaven in their roasting. But that's just me. Try it yourself, java lovers. 

If you want to know my own personal favorites, they are Mystic Monk blend, Carmel flavored, and Pascha Java, which is only available at Christmas and Easter :-(

Exhaling in the present

I think I have worked more hours, and harder, during these weeks of summer than I did during the last school year. I have taken my summer vacation in little bits of laughter with my children, occasional prayer pauses in the darkened church between appointments, long exhalations watching the sun slipping beneath the horizon, and the ritual cups of coffee or glasses of red wine my husband and I share to slow down our neurotransmissions with so much "coming at us" at once. I have chosen to LOOK at those I love, those who cross my path, those who demand something from me (sometimes with irritation) or need something from me, with full attention and a willing heart, to try to see with Jesus' eyes.

These "punctuations of grace" feed my soul - full truth in small digestible bits. The full truth that life is passing, that children are growing to independence (of a sort), that we have little control over what happens in any given hour, that we are small and HE is infinitely great. That we are always just where He wants us to be, doing what He wants us to do, as long as we are willing to love fully in each moment.

With very many wildly various tasks before me, my energy must be placed first on being fully present to the person before me, rather than allow myself to be distracted by what I had planned to be doing. In each moment, I must be consciously aware of what the Lord is asking of me, not absorbed in my "checklist". I must be at peace, exhaling peacefully, in the present moment.

It is difficult not to become so busy DOING that we forget what we must BE. We must BE Christ to one another. We must BE for one another. (This is my Communion prayer: that I might be one with Him, FOR OTHERS).

"I once was DO, and then was BE; Now they are as one in me."

Prayers needed for the Barrett family

We just learned that Mary Ellen Barrett's son, Ryan, for whom we have been praying, has drowned. 

Ryan was 14 years old. Please, pray for this family as they face this heartbreaking reality.

"Unmarked no more."

 Those were Anne's words as she sent us all this photo of Aimee's headstone.

And I am echoing those words, in a different sense. Seeing that so many people who visit this blog have gotten here by searching Aimee's name, I have now marked all the posts regarding those grace-laden events with the category "Aimee Lorang." If you have come to read the snippets of that story recorded here, you can click on the category link and see all the posts on that subject.

I hope that helps some of you. You can also send the link to others who have asked and they can read the whole story, without having to "previous page" through stuff they do not care to read.

Rob's a thespian ;-)

 

Rob's summer camp culminated in this stunning performance at the GR Civic Theater - he plays an athletic teenager whose girlfriend wishes he liked all the things she does... and her wish comes true.

Here he expressing his love for flowers and nature:

 

And sharing this delicate bloom with the girl who wished this on him:

 

In the end, things are straightened out and everyone is relieved.

Thanks to the Lorangs for coming to see the show, after providing food and lodging for the rest of the Mulderink kids during THEIR summer theater camp in Chicago! I'll try to post pix of the younger kids' show next.

Where are we headed?

Was it Marcus Aurelius who talked about "a government which respects above all the freedom of the governed"?

Amen to that, and amen to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpQOCvthw-o

One of my favorite pix of Aimee

 

Anne's children are just so photogenic, it's difficult to take a bad picture of them! But there are other reasons I love this picture.

These photos were the last professional photos taken of all the Lorang children together, and this one seems almost symbolic. Aimee seems to be guiding and watching over the two youngest ones before her, her hands on their shoulders in a caring gesture of love and protection; Alex and Melanie look as if they are ready to sprint into life! Younger sister Liz is leaning on Aimee with confidence, as if relying on her for support. Aimee (who looks like she's all in white) is holding up the whole gang, with Heaven all around them.

And I have no doubt of the truth of these things: Aimee is certainly doing all she can before the Throne of Love and Grace to take care of her brother and sisters, and to pray for the rest of us as well. She took God seriously in this life, and He took her to Himself.

I always pray that my godchildren (and children) will remain near Him, that they will be given the grace to know and live fully the vocation God wills for them, that He will bless them with His peace. So when Anne mentions that Aimee's adolescent angst came in the form of discerning her vocation, I feel as if I had a small part in that, and it brings joy and peace. These are the very things each person should be thinking about at that age, and my heart is filled with gratitude that she gave God a chance by even considering a religious vocation. In this culture, that is very counter-cultural. But that's Aimee - she was not peer-dependent, and was clearer than most about what was necessary and what was not.

Anne mentioned several things that the Lord provided for the family before we knew we needed them - the attitudes, the writing, etc. I would add that He put in Anne the desire to have professional photos taken of her children regularly (something I do not do!); if she did not take them regularly, we would not have these pictures.

Update: the Lorang Family - 6 months of healing

Well, this is really about the entire extended family, and the many extensions of friends who have experienced the same grief we have felt, and known the same grace from the one same Father. Through all of these months, God's Hand has been evident to all of us.

Anne recently sent out a little "update" to the family, and it was agreed that I could share some of our conversation here. It needs very little comment:

 

I figured I should give you all an update since I've seen some improvement lately.  And Friday was exactly six months since the accident, so I've hit a milestone of sorts.
 
I was actually reading a magazine in the doctor's office the other day without having to hold it up above my head.  And in church today I followed along when they read the readings, with the book on my lap!!!  I still see double below the waist, but it's getting noticeably better.  : D
 
Dr. Gagnon has been getting my neck straightened out and pumping me with nutritional supplements, so I'm still seeing him every week or so.  I'm no longer worried about becoming the Homer Hunchback thanks to him.  : ) 
 
I was there last week and we were talking about the silly things I said in the hospital, and how I used Kath's blog to fill me in on the week I lost.  He said that he had the web address for the blog, but he couldn't bring himself to read it because he was too traumatized by my ordeal.  I'm realizing that I probably traumatized a lot of people, so I apologize for any worry I caused everyone.  I feel bad about Viv's birthday too, so we'll have to do a J-Women outing eventually to make up for it.  I personally have not been too traumatized, aside from the head stuff.  ; )
 
I've never looked back and asked why; I have one of my children in heaven - what more could a mother want?  I only hope the other three will get there without giving me much grief in the meantime.  They've all been doing well too, by the way.  Liz is hoping some of you will come and see her in Joseph in July.  

Right now I have FIVE of Kath's kids here for almost two weeks for theatre camp.  This will be a true test of my brain!  LOL

Anyway, I'm realizing that this ordeal has aged me:  I'm always tired, I have worse bags under my eyes, I'm forgetful, etc.  I'd say I feel about 7 years older than I really am.  That puts me equal with TOM!  So my advice is this:  If you have a spouse that's older than you, try not to rub it in too much because what goes around comes around!  : D
 
That's my funny contemplation of the month.

Frances (who just had her first baby, Olivia) commented back:

 

 

It's scary how quickly time goes by, but at the same time, it's nice b/c time does heal all wounds. God has truly been good to us, and even in Aimee's case, where most people would lose Faith or become bitter, we have all been given the Grace to accept it as His Will. It is most certainly times like these that I am thankful that I am a Catholic, and that mom did such a great job in revealing to us that God's Will may not always be what we want, but is ultimately for the better. Not to mention, how she drilled into us the importance of devotion to Our Most Blessed Mother! I don't know what we would have done if we did not have this upbringing. I honestly stand in awe of your strength and acceptance to God's Will! Having Olivia has made me realize how strong a mother's love can be, above all other loves, and how difficult it would be to lose her. The good thing though is that Aimee was such a good girl that there is no doubt in anyone's mind that she has had the ultimate experience of seeing the Beatific Vision, and is now praying for us all...especially you, Tom, and the kids. What a blessing!

I don't think you need to apologize for worrying any of us! The accident was all in God's plan, and as your family it was, and is, natural to worry about you. We know that you would do the same for us. I think that the accident drasticly affected a lot of people, even those we don't know, or may never know, but I think that too was the point God wanted to make. Your acceptance of His Will, Aimee's tragic, but beautiful death, the miraculous safety of the Lizzie, Melanie, and Alex was a wake up call for those whose Faith was dorment or fading that they need to return to God and prayer.

Anne's response:

There are times when I get a bit sad, too.  But I guess it's a selfish sadness:  It would be nice to have Aimee around still.  But I know that if she could choose, she would surely stay where she's at.  I'm glad that I knew she was struggling with not wanting to be a nun and worrying about offending God.  I think she really wanted to do what He wanted, and now she can ask Him, "What now?" and get a direct answer.  : )  I think she sees how well we're doing (probably helping where she can) and smiling. 
 
I'm amazed at how God gives us things that we need long before we know they'll be needed:  Kath's ability to write well has touched a lot of people who needed to read something uplifting under terrible circumstances.  Liz's laid back attitude (which I previously wondered about) has helped her deal with things.  I told her that if roles were reversed I doubt Aimee would do so well, and I'm sure Aimee knows it.  I'm so grateful that I was also hurt in the accident and that I don't remember anything.  If I had been fine I would wonder if Aimee had any suffering in the end; now I just assume she wasn't aware, like myself.  My own head trauma has helped me to only deal with a little at a time, slowly letting it all sink in.  I am in awe of Divine Providence!  : )

And my final response, which is my blog post du jour:

Since Anne’s email yesterday, I’ve been pondering a blog update and my head swirling with gratitudinous thoughts!

All of this is so, so true. And what a grace to be able to see this, to have the consolation of knowing that it is all His gift – the new babies and the beauty and power of a mother’s love, the ability to accept His will as it comes and to see that we are always given all that we need and more, that the people and circumstances in our lives are all perfectly choreographed by Him and so we should simply live in trust and do our best to serve one another each day.

To see the good in tragedy is all grace. To recognize that even a head trauma has its place in His Plan, that He knows the number of each of our days and they are perfectly numbered, to see through to the other side of the veil and know that those we love and let go of are still very much a part of our lives, to experience the awe of finding ourselves in His peace under conditions we could not have imagined for ourselves – these are all the stuff of deep, life-altering gratitude. We have all been so blessed even in our grieving (both with Dad and Aimee) that our letting go seems more like a receiving; we have received more than we have given, and we have given much. “God is never outdone in generosity” (I think that’s St Teresa of Avila), and we have been blessed to experience that.

 

And witness that to others.

 

This really needs a photo, but since my hard drive crashed, I don't HAVE any quickly available! I hope to get one soon. But these words couldn't wait for a picture.

 

Thank you all again for your prayers and encouragement during these months - they have truly meant more than we can say. And now, thank and praise the Lord with us for His goodness and love, which have guided us through very difficult months.